Third Letter to Uncle Sam

1/3/13

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Hey Uncle Sam,

Greetings from the Silicon Valley where spring is once again springing in the air. I know you’re too busy to write but I do hope you’re not too busy to chew for the modest proposal on immigration I sent last month was filled with scrumptious food for thought.

Talking of food, Uncle dear, I’m sure you too plug your ears with your fingers whenever people say, “You are what you eat.” Well, it seems the people are right after all. Stanford University professor, Joel Brinkley, has just confirmed this with some acute observations on Vietnamese food habits.

“You don’t have to spend much time in Vietnam before you notice something unusual,” says Professor Brinkley. “You hear no birds singing, see no squirrels scrambling up trees or rats scurrying among the garbage. No dogs out for a walk. In fact, you see almost no wild or domesticated animals at all. Where did they all go? You might be surprised to know: Most have been eaten.” Based on such keen observations, Professor Brinkley logically concludes that Vietnam’s “aggressive tendencies,” are clearly tied to its partiality for meat, especially rats, birds and dogs.

Someone as wise as you Uncle dear, will surely agree that Professor Brinkley’s impeccable logic leads to one overwhelming conclusion when applied to these exceptional United States: since there are no cows on American roads, they must’ve all been eaten; and America’s partiality for beef obviously explains its bovine tendencies. As my ancient cow-worshiping grandmother observed, “what you can expect from cow eaters, no?”

An all-knowing seer like you of course knows that you don’t have to spend much time in India before you notice something unusual: sacred cows freely walking the streets and obstructing traffic with their backsides wherever they please. What do those cow-worshiping Indians eat? Lentils, of course. How can you tell? Elementary, dear Uncle, elementary. What but lentils could possibly explain that country’s exorbitant proclivity for gas? Pure hot air, aka gobar gas!

You’ll appreciate the full brilliance of the Brinkley system, Uncle dear, when you apply it systematically across the globe: China’s pigheadedness can only be attributed to its love for pork and Japan’s slickness to its preference for fish. Mutton naturally turns Arabs into sheep while kosher causes Israelis to freak. Surely, British commonsense must be the combined result of fish & chips and German ingenuity, the effect of potatoes & veal. Horse meat is the source of neutralized Swiss while wine and cheese results in lazy Italians and god-hating French. And, of course, we can all see what bush meat does on the Dark Continent. Brilliant! Don’t you think, sage Uncle?

Now I bet you’re wishing Professor Brinkley had come up with this brilliant system back when you were fighting the Viets. You could’ve simply grabbed all those Vietnamese rats, birds, and dogs and forced them to eat rice instead. Or cow. Mixed in with some neutralizing horse meat.

Well, you know what to do now: stop throwing away money on those Nukes and Drones. Just let them eat cake instead.

Happy eating – till I write again.

–CK

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