The Mind of a Big Guy

If you don’t want to read this all, at least read the final two paragraphs.

In this world full of people striving for excellence and being perfect, I’m here in what seems to be my own bubble. Big and happy, but sometimes feeling as though I don’t belong. I’ve never strived to have a great body, or be a great person, but I’ve strived to exist. I’ve strived to be me, and to float through life. But as I sit here at this very moment writing this, I’ve seemed to realize where I stand in this world. I stand in the back of everyone else, trying not to be seen, and trying not to be spoken to. I’ve never wanted to meet new people because I don’t like how I look. I never have, but I’ve never had the motivation to change it. Being big has taken its toll on me, as some may not see it. I try not to show emotion, I try to be happy most of the time. Which I am, but not always. As a big guy, sharing my emotions is one of the hardest things to do. Especially, when everyone around you is what seems to be “better”. Better looking, more respected, smarter, more social, and most of all “socially normal”.

Being fat (293 lbs & ~6ft) for me is a struggle. Emotionally and physically. In my current state, I could not appreciate someone, as I can not appreciate myself. I can’t wake up in the morning and look forward to meeting people and going out in public because I always feel as if everyone is watching me. I feel as though people are thinking about how big I am, and wondering how I’ll ever get through life. To try and help, I’d wear a sweatshirt in school to try and high my fat, and wear loose clothing so people can’t see my “rolls”. This never worked, as I’ve always felt as though people still watched me. I’d pull on my sweatshirt to fluff it out as big as I could so it doesn’t go around my skin too much, and I’d constantly look around the room. School was tough. It really was. Although no one could really tell. I was miserable from being fat, not necessarily from school. Trying to sit in the back of class so people aren’t behind me looking at me, trying to avoid being seen, and it sucked.

Now physically, physically is just as bad, but it plays on my emotions as well. My back hurts constantly. Standing for too long makes my feet and back hurt. Going outside makes me feel as though I’m suffocating. Not being able to take my shirt off when I swim because I’m scared of people seeing my stretch marks or man boobs. Even though you could see how fat I am when my shirt gets wet, I had some comfort in having clothes on. I’ve never attended school swim parties because I don’t want people to judge me, I didn’t want to be seen by girls. Girls. Attractive, yes, but I’ve never had enough courage to ask a girl out lately or anything. In the back of my mind, there is always a voice saying, “Why would that beautiful girl want to be seen with a fatass like you? You’ll never end up with someone like that.” I’ve come to accept that, but I never wanted to.

My freedom has been limited by me being fat. My own mind won’t let me go out in public in nice clothes. They always have to be baggy and plain. I couldn’t bring myself to ask anyone to homecoming or prom in the fear of rejection or looking like an idiot. What kind of fat guy could get a beautiful girl to go to a dance with them. The voice in my head always said “No girl wants to have a fat guy in their prom photos. Why would they want to show that to their kids when they’re older. Maybe they’re going to say yes from feeling bad for me.” This was always an obstacle. I was never able to overcome it. The one time I asked someone, I bailed. I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want her to be stuck with a guy like me at a dance. On to another freedom gone, I can’t bring myself to go out with friends too often. I don’t like being in public. The only thing I can think of is, “Do I look super fat? Is my hair okay? Can they see my moobs?” I can’t talk to girls without being awkward because I sike myself out. I don’t want a girl to think about why my fatass is talking to them. The fear of rejection or pity acceptance is always in the back of my mind. I would have loved to go to prom and homecoming with all of my friends, but I couldn’t. That time has passed, and I regret it all, but there’s no changing it now.

Trying to be happy and normal in a society where fat people seem to be shunned by beautiful girls and more elite guys, is one of the hardest things to do. I’ve managed to do it for some time on the outside, but my mind has slowly been taking a toll on me. It takes me more than two hours to go to sleep at night because of all of the thoughts in my head. Its killing me. I just want to be normal. I want to have a normal life. I want to know what’s it like to walk around and not think everyone is looking at me. I want to be able to have a dating life without being laughed at for my size. There’s so many things I want to do in life that either my mind or my size stops me from doing. I can’t even skydive because I’m too fat. I can’t socialize because my mind won’t let me. I can’t wear cool clothes because they don’t have a 3X. I can’t function as a normal human being because my mind constantly reminds me that I’m not attractive.

All of these things have haunted me since I was pretty young. I guess around fifth grade was when I began to notice. Before that I was too naive to understand I wasn’t attractive so I was more social. Maybe it was better that way. Now I’m 18, no girlfriend, no social life, no nothing because of this. As I’m typing this my mind’s running rampid with these thoughts. Thoughts of my life, and how it could have been better had I not ate that last burger. Had I not let myself get to this point. One day I may be able to go on hikes, find a girlfriend, walk around without constantly looking around to see if people are looking at me.

Finally, all of my penned up emotions and thoughts sometimes come out as anger. Anger has always been a big part of my life. Punching holes in walls, putting a baseball bat through my door, and flashing out on friends for no apparent reason. I just want all of my friends to know I appreciate you, even though it may not seem like it sometime. Chance, Noah, Jace, Garrett, Julia, Rodenberg, Teri, Joseph, Jacob, Drake, Sage, Matthew, Keegan, Josh, Rebekah, and anyone I’ve missed. Thanks for being there in my angriest, saddest, and happiest times. You guys are greatly appreciated. Sorry to anyone my anger has affected in any way.

As I can’t bring myself to keep writing this, as my heads beginning to hurt thinking about how terrible my life has been on the inside, there’s a few key notes I want people to take away from this. Being fat is slowly killing me on the inside, and the outside. Dealing with being fat is one of the hardest things I have to deal with in life. I don’t know how long I can be this way without being overwhelmed by thoughts and croaking. Maybe one day someone will see this and understand what I’m going through. As for those people, don’t always think because someone seems happy on the outside, all is well on the inside. Don’t make “big” jokes because the big guy always laughs as you don’t know how it’s going in their head. Thanks for your time, i guess, if I ever put this in the public.

PS- This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.