The Entire Twilight Series by Stephenie Meyer

Okay, so you’ve heard about the books, and you don’t want to read them. Understandable, who wants to read books about vampires who sparkle and werewolves with temper tantrums? Well, I went through the trouble (every painful page full of Edward’s “chiseled abs” or “deep amber eyes”) of reading the books for you, and will kindly give you the plot line of the entire series, summarized in a couple paragraphs. Frankly, there’s really not much to it. I could think of a better plot. I will also post my version of what SHOULD have happened, because the only good characters didn’t even get a good ending. (Jake was half-decent, and he ends up with a BABY?)

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In Twilight, the first book in the series, Bella moves to Forks with her not-so-attentive father, Charlie. She falls in love with an intriguing (well, not really) youngman named Edward. He can sparkle, read minds, and turns out he’s a vampire. Like, no way! Too bad he can’t real Bella’s mind. Then they play vamp-baseball with Ed’s familio, and another vamp clan shows up. The leader, James, decides to hunt Bella as a version of his own sick game. Too bad for him, Edward and the gang kill him off, but not before James bites Bella. Ed has to suck the venom out. Darn, Bels was THIS close to being a vampire.

Book two, New Moon, basically Edward moves away and tells Bella he doesn’t love her. YEAH RIGHT. So she’s depressed for like half a year, and then she becomes friends with Jacob, yay! But something weird is going on with Jake. He’s a werewolf now, okay? So Bella is like “Wow my life is shit,” and she jumps off a cliff into the ocean so she can see Edward (apparently she can see him when she’s doing something life-threatening…um what?) I was hoping Bella would die right about this point, but she gets saved. Unfortunately for Bels, Alice (Edwards awesome sister who can see the future) saw Bella jumping off of a cliff, and Ed took the hint that she was killing herself. He went off to the Volturi, the ultimate vampire ruler dudes, to go kill himself. So now Bella and Alice gotta get over there and stop him. Just when she was falling in love with Jake! They save him, la dee da, but the Volturi say that Bella has to be turned into a vampire soon or else, cause she knows too much. The end!

Next, Eclipse. Basically Victoria (James’ vampire mate) wants to kill Bella. So she raised a bunch of newborn (recently bitten) crazy vamps into an army. Bella begs Edward for sex, yes begs, and he says no, I might kill you. She really doesn’t get the message here, does she? There’s a big battle, the werewolves help out, and Bels realizes she loves both Jake AND Ed! So they defeat those dudes, Ed kills Victoria. Ed asks Bels to marry him. Geez, she’s 18! What a GREAT role model.

Breaking Dawn. Oh Lord. The worst of them all. The others were at least somewhat tolerable, but this one was ridiculous. So Bella and Edward get married, Jake runs away, and Bella gets pregnant on their honeymoon. Bella refuses to get rid of it, Jake comes back, and Bella has the baby. It’s a very bloody, icky scene…I don’t like to dwell on it. Since she lost so much blood, Edward has no choice but to inject his venom into her heart. She nearly dies, but turns into a vampire. Oh happy day! Since Bella is SO special, she doesn’t have as much of a craving for human blood as most newborns. She can even stand to hold her human-vamp baby, named (brace yourself) Renesmee. A combo of Esme, Ed’s mom, and Renee, Bella’s mom. Kill me now. Is that not the stupidest name you’ve heard or what? Anyway, Jake fell in love with the thing. He was going to fall in love with Leah, another cool werewolf, but NO, he falls in love with a baby. The Volturi find out about the freak child (who has powers and can put pictures in your mind if she touches you) and think its a baby that got bitten by a vamp, which is bad in vampire world. So they come, there is ALMOST a battle but Bella protects everyone with her special non-penetrable mind bubble (so that’s why Ed can’t read her mind!) and they go away. Yay, more Bella-Edward sexing! More like icky.

Anyway hope you enjoyed this. Please don’t let your children read these books. Bella is the worst role model a young woman could possibly have.

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