Introduction: Subject of Sex and Love
Probably, there is no more tactical and at the same time taboo subject than a subject of sex. This part of a human life has been ignored for a long time and even completely denied. Today human community is concerned with the other extremity, since sex is commercialized and is actively maintained in advertizing and a low-grade pop culture. However, there is still a lack of adequate and reliable information on this subject, and there are a lot of problems connected with a lack of information on this theme. The plain truth is that the only essential aspect of sex is achieving physical contact with another person’s body in order to experience the kind of physical pleasure that comes specifically from this kind of contact.
One of the peculiar features of people is that they are able to work. Any kind of work is an activity. Activity is a dynamic system of the interaction of the subject with the world. In the course of this interaction there is an emergence of a mental image and its embodiment in the object and a realization of the relations to the surrounding reality by the subject. Any elementary act of a human activity is a form of the manifestation of activity of the subject. It means that any activity has the incentive reasons and is directed at the achievement of certain results. Thus, sex is a kind of human activity. Alan Goldman states in his work Plain Sex that “The desire for another’s body is, principally among other things, the desire for the pleasure that physical contact brings. On the other hand, it is not a desire for a particular sensation detachable from its casual context, a sensation which can be derived in other ways. This definition in terms of the general goal of sexual desire appears preferable to an attempt to more explicitly list or define specific sexual activities, for many activities such as kissing, embracing, massaging, or holding hands may or may not be sexual, depending upon the context, and more specifically upon the purposes, needs or desires, into which such activities fit”.
The Role of a Sex
The role of a sexual intercourse plays a very important role in the life of each person. Sex is one’s psychological well-being, and its deficiency or unsatisfactory quality affects a state of mind, the relations with surrounding people and with the world as a whole. The absence of a sexual culture leads to the waste of time, efforts and to the conflicts between partners. Love is not so much considered as a fact of private life, but as a universal space process in which people participate, but do not play a crucial role. The marriage of a man and a woman is considered to be the connection of two opposite poles (by analogy to the processes occurring in the nature where each phenomenon is considered either male or female, and their connection is a harmony), each of which carries out the function, from which an idea about an inequality of a man and a woman in love relations has appeared. “Within the lives of those who have so committed themselves to each other, sexual intercourse is a way of asserting and confirming the fullness and totality of their mutual commitment”.
Sexual intercourse should not be reduced to simple coitus as it happens to animals with the only purpose to receive an orgasm. The problem is not in it. It is much more difficult to find harmonious sensual, emotional and mental quality of sex. However, the physiological requirement of animals is the ability to reproduce. Sex is purely human phenomenon and it is typical only of people as species.
The link “reproduction-satisfaction” was formed billions of years ago. Homo sapience experienced sex and sexuality as the stimulus of satisfaction. A partner was required for the process of reproduction. The searches for the partner and the communicative process with him could evoke the unpleasant sensations and even complexities in the modern world with its multilayer social interactions. A lot of sociologists, investigating the consequences of a social revolution in America, state that in the 20th century Homo sapiens were replaced by homo sexual. Every aspect of human life became connected with the sexual obsession. From a cradle and up to the grave this obsession subjects every aspect of human vital space, almost each step of their activity, thought and feeling to bombing. People are completely dipped into the increasing stream of sex, which fills each part of a human social life and culture. While people look for the antidotes against these libido forces, they are more and more won by a constant pressure of this huge army of ubiquitous sexual symbols.
Sex should be not only a physiological, but sensual and emotional, not only corporal, but also sincere spiritual need in receiving pleasure. In psychology there is a concept called “a pyramid of needs”, that includes all basic needs of people. There is a satisfaction of sexual need as sensual and emotional desire in the group of the basic needs. People cannot be happy without the satisfaction of their basic needs. If we say that sex is a reflection of the relations of partners at a love level, it exists on the level of the needs of absolutely another category; it is not a biological need, but a need of a soul.
When one speaks about spiritual sex, it is necessary to understand that it is a question of the relations of partners in a couple. Spiritual or non-spiritual kinds of sex are defined by the attitude of people: the more they are focused on receiving pleasure at the expense of the others, the less one can speak about spirituality. The return to spirituality begins with the return of one’s soul to the spiritual perception of sex, refusing egoism. It demands the change of consciousness, attitude to life and sex, purposes and senses, refusal of a consumer position in life.
The taboo on sex before wedding is a past remnant. However, the results of opinion polls, psychological and medical researches testify that the abstention from sex before wedding is useful and necessary even if wedding has already been planned. Premarital sexual intercourses are unstable; some of them lead to the cancellation of wedding. Such couples are inclined to evade from the problems which can arise. For some time it smoothes problems away, but a couple does not gain experience in the solution of the vital problems. The young people are afraid to destroy the officially unregistered relations, therefore, the solution of the problems, which suddenly arise, are postponed for the time after the wedding. The physicians argue that “life together” before wedding puts a couple on a dangerous way. “Marriage, or at least a commitment to marriage (in preceremonial intercourse), is the necessary framework for proper sexual union”. Moreover, the majority of girls have the feeling that they have done a mistake after the sexual intercourse before marriage. Very often they are frightened, alarmed and feeling guilty. The longer the life together before wedding is, the deeper there is a feeling of fault and fear; thus, self-esteem is lowered. Such situation does not disappear after a wedding, and is kept even for years.
The sense of guilt is especially painful because it is impossible to foresee when it will reappear. A woman can experience it at once after a sexual intercourse. However, it can be that remorse will turn into the later regrets. The feeling of guilt at the violation of the moral principles is more peculiar to women than men. The more serious a woman is, the more probably she feels the sense of regret after a sexual experience. If people have sex again and again not being married, the sense of guilt, fear and a loss of self-esteem are multiplied. Remorse becomes more often. Over time, these feelings emerge, and most likely influence sex as it is in the consciousness of people. These feelings do not pass at once after a wedding ceremony because it is not so easy for the majority of people to get rid of the already developed prejudices. The same degree of fear, fault and shame caused by the premarital sex can be experienced after marriage.
The first month of life after wedding is called “honeymoon”. It is when a new stage in the life of two people begins. It comes when two people become the only one after the solemn minutes of ceremony. The unforgettable days of fine, happy month are remembered for many years as one of the most pleasant events in life. The sexual intercourses before wedding and life together reduce the value of this period, even humiliate it.
A premarital sex often leads to separation. The researches show that the couples which had sex before marriage split up easier. The engaged partners who had premarital sexual relations break off this engagement more often. Why? One of the reasons is that the desire of a man to marry decreases when his sexual requirements are perfectly satisfied out of it.
The first sexual contact can appear even delightful. Nevertheless, if partners are drawn to each other by the biological force of sex, the attraction weakens as soon as they release from it. The sexual attraction between a man and a woman is partly caused by the desire to solve a mystery of a partner. When sex happens the mystery does not evoke the former curiosity. The relations become simpler. Those who have sex before wedding are less happy in marriage and are more inclined to stains. There are more chances for a happy marriage, if a couple did not have sex before wedding. On the contrary, the more of such a kind of activity a couple had before wedding, the fewer chances there remain for a happy family life. It is natural that if a couple is unhappy in marriage, most likely they will look for the salvations of their problems in divorce.
In conclusion, I would like to say that love and sex are two interconnected concepts. Love is more spiritual, while sex is more physical. However, a human being cannot be happy without either of them. Thus, sex is also a kind of human activity, but it is not fair to say that sex out of marriage gives the same satisfaction as the sex in a marriage life.