I once fell in love.
With the whirlwind of human emotions and chaos that in and of itself defines love, I’m not sure if I would have the self-motivation to ever fall into that stupor again.
But how can I resist the thrill of that journey? How can I deny the experience of accumulating those countless moments to look back upon?
Now that it is gone; the smiles, the words, the theories and ideations shared continually with one another… I am sitting and pondering in a state of loneliness. It is difficult to leave my corner of deep commotion and confusion to face the truth that all I had is now gone. I must find the strength at one point or another to leave the confinement of my own thoughts, but for now I sit and reflect with no indication of starting to stand up.
I will not deny the colossal ache felt when looking back, but happiness can and will be found elsewhere. It is difficult to cope by myself when the usual tendency is to lean in and grab his hand, but I am capable of being independent. It may be hard to ignore the tremendous need for the warmth of his body, the immeasurable joy that had been felt just yesterday, his human presence that brought oh-so-much comfort, the excitement of my mind that raced so often, the peacefulness of his embrace, the gigantic smile that still becomes evident on my face when my mind wanders back to the times of love…
However, I was on my own before and I am on my own again. I have reached the decision that I cannot depend on him for the sanity of my soul. He broke my pulsing heart and abandoned me to sit in the ashes of our memories. How then could I ever miss him with how little he has left me? With the end of our adventure, I must learn again to live with only the company of my own self. I am determined to start again tomorrow as the first day of the rest of my life.
Despite all of this now written, and the idea of closure being reached, the following questions still linger with no promise of leaving… How am I ever to learn to be truly independent once again when my thoughts of him follow me even within my own dreams? Will the comfort and protection I felt with him ever be reciprocated with any other human being that tries to capture my heart? How could any future feelings possibly be equivalent to my feelings felt previously, when to reach any higher emotion seems quite impossible? How am I going to get over everything that he took care of in my life?
I believe it may be time to forget the person, accept the past, live with the memories, be satisfied with tomorrow, and perhaps… move on.