How to Be a Proper Wife in the 21st Century

Step One:

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First and foremost, you need to remember that you are a second-rate citizen and you have no voice. It’s perfectly fine for you to have your own opinions, but just know your husband doesn’t want to hear them, and no one really cares. Talk about during your knitting group, but nowhere else. Your husband may have a different opinion than you, and that’s okay, but don’t argue with him about it. He’s too busy to listen to your undereducated point. Now, on a scale of one to ten, one being a curling iron and ten being Vaseline, how useful you are to a man rests at about a 3. Don’t be offended. You’re a bottom priority to everything else on his listand there’s nothing you can do about it. That three is made up of the following: Your hands, your tongue, and your cooking skills (you might be a 2 if you lack the latter). Now that you’ve obtained this fundamental mindset, you’re one step closer to becoming a model wife.
Step Two:

Your husband works and works all day to provide you with the finest shiny objects to put on your curvaceous, feminine, but still small and dainty figure. When he comes home, he wants to lay back, relax, and read the news, but no one can do that in the midst of a mess, right? Make sure you keep the house in tip top shape. Eliminate all dust bunnies and streaks. Leave no nook or cranny untouched. Besides, what else are you good for? Women’s bodies have been specially engineered throughout time to make it easy for us to do all the housework, bear the children, while still remaining slim and attractive for the physical use by men. Have a big bust, not a big brain.
Nowadays, many women want to break out of the common gender role and be ‘modern.’ No. That’s completely and inexplicably wrong. If a tree falls on a woman, it doesn’t matter if she made a sound or not; why did the woman have a damn tree in the kitchen?

See, that’s the kind of stressful environment a dominant male leader does not need

Remember that if he’s dissatisfied with your work, you’ve only caused him more stress and anger. You probably deserve what’s coming to you. His anger should all taken with a grain of salt.

In short, the second step to being a good housewife is to just give your husband a grade-A environment to come home to. If he’s upset, retreat to the bedroom and keep your voice down. Let him eat dinner on his own, offer him a beer when he’s finished, and set the TV to his favorite channel. Start the fire if it’s cold out, let him recline in his chair, and shut yourself up before his blood pressure rises.
Step Three:

On top of keeping the house clean, you need to feed your man. Think about it: After a hard day’s work, he wants to come home to a uniform house and he wants the smell of an amazing dinner to waft in his nose. NO more microwaving leftovers. NO more letting him find the fridge on his own. The kitchen is a woman’s territory, not a man’s. He knows his place, and it’s not by the oven. You don’t want him to go hungry, do you? If you don’t have any knowledge in cooking, good luck finding a man who can look past that. Men are incompetent when it comes to common household activities. Their infinite brain power is already being exhausted on important manly things, like sports and other women who are just as able, but definitely more attractive, than you.

When a man is hungry, he gets angry. You don’t like him when he’s angry. And he’s not about to cook. So take the damn time to learn to cook. And don’t just think you can take one recipe, master it, and be set. Men have needs too. Don’t be selfish. Find his favorite meal, find his least favorite meal, and know a bunch of other recipes in between. Food releases endorphins and you don’t want to deprive him of endorphins, do you? Most men like foods heavy in grease and protein. Be prepared to get your dainty hands dirty. Also, men hate vegetables. Don’t. Feed. Them. Veggies.
Step Four:

BEAR THE CHILDREN. All he wants a wife for is to carry on his genes. Obviously. He wants boys. Don’t have a girl. That’s disgraceful. Now you can’t actually control this, but he’ll still get angry at you. It’s expected and justified.

When raising the children, there are 3 fundamental facts they must learn:
Never look Daddy in the eye.
Never talk to Daddy if he seems upset.
Always follow gender roles.
Although your husband won’t be too happy about having a girl, he won’t have to worry for long. Girls are usually YOUR responsibility. Teach your daughter how to be a good wife the second you pop her out. The earlier they learn the better.

That’s all there is to it. Just follow these steps and your marriage will be smooth sailing. Four simple steps. Come to think of it, though, four’s actually higher than the average woman can count.

TLDR; just shut up and make him a sandwich.

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